Good question. ‘Tis the season of paradoxes. It seems an age since I returned to London for graduate school, but it also seems like no time at all has passed. It seems that I’ve accomplished nothing, but that the world has inexorably and incalculably changed.
My time in London this time around has been nothing at all like the first. My focus has been dragged in so many different directions, and I’m tempted to just call this first semester of graduate school a wash. I haven’t even got any marks yet! My two essays, worth 100% of my grade for each class, are due in the second and third weeks of January. I’ve made friends, but I assume they all secretly hate me. I’ve kept up with my training plan for running, but I’m slow and not quite steady. I’ve done the one thing that I wanted to do this time around – attend a football game – but due to my negligence, we arrived over a half hour late. I’m running low on money and patience with the British people. So I guess I’ve felt that, to use the familiar phrase, I’ve had nothing to write home about. Just sadness and frustration.
Of course, that’s not entirely true. While I’ve had some difficult personal experiences alongside my rather unfulfilling graduate school experience (except for the four hours a week I go to class, rather than study,) I’ve still gotten up every day. I’ve had only one single day here in which I didn’t go outside at all, which I would call an overall success. I’ve gone back to some of my favourite pretty places and I’ve read fifteen books (plus a ridiculous amount of theory) for class. I’ve had insomnia and anxiety attacks and depressions, but I’ve survived through all of it, and I’m flying home for Christmas tomorrow.
Sometimes surviving is all you can do, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not something to be proud of.
As always, I have big plans for the new year. I’m going to be perfect! Won’t that be nice? But even though I’ll be perfect, I’m pretty sure that I’ll end up back here by the end of next December, wondering if I’ve accomplished anything at all and whether I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
I’m just going to try to take care of myself and enjoy my time with family and friends while I’m home… with maybe some research on the side. And I know I’ll be okay again. At least for a little while.
Bloggin' For Mom 